


I Believe In You Even If I'm Anxious

by venus_demilo



Series: Like Blue Orange [4]
Category: TXT (Korea Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, MGMAs, Mentions of Injuries, TxT ROTY, TxT in general are having a crisis, Yeonjun is having a crisis, but happy crying mostly, mentions of illnesses, once again BTS are the best parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-08-18 20:49:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20197957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/venus_demilo/pseuds/venus_demilo
Summary: TxT has had a long couple of months. Hard work reaps benefits, and Yeonjun sometimes needs to be reminded of that.





	I Believe In You Even If I'm Anxious

Yeonjun is staring holes into the tv when his phone buzzes. He jumps, fumbling through the covers and trying not to twist too much.

“Shit, shit, _shit,” _he hisses, groaning when the ache in his upper back sharpens to a white-hot stab of pain. Yeonjun eases back onto the pillows, his phone still buzzing in his hand. He glances at the TV- it’s Itzy’s performance- and then back at his phone. He promptly drops it onto his lap.

_Kim Seokjin has requested to chat._

Yeonjun panics. His hair is nasty, because he’s been asleep most the day (yay, painkillers!), and hes in his pajamas. He debates not answering.

“I could.” He says to the empty dorms. His voices echoes, and he only hesitates a little longer before pressing the ‘accept’ button.

“Yeonjunnie!”

The shouts crackle through his speaker and Yeonjun flinches, turning the volume down quickly.

“Hi, hyungs.” He waves a little, acutely aware of his ears turning red. “I’m sorry, I look terrible-“

“You look fine!” Jimin-hyung has managed to worm his way in front of the cluster that is BTS. “Are you okay, though? We just read what happened.”

Yeonjun manages to smile, pushing down the bitter feeling that rises in his chest. “Yeah. I’m fine, I messed up my back.” He glances up at the TV again. Someone’s talking, but he doesn’t look back at his phone. He doesn’t want his seniors to see how disappointed he is.

“Are you watching?” Jin-hyung’s voice is soft.

“Yes.” Yeonjun can’t say anything else past the ball in his chest. He stares at the screen and tries to will himself not to cry.

“They look great.” Even Suga-hyung sounds sad for him. Yeonjun can’t stand it.

“They’re all nerds and I hate them.”

His hyungs crack up. Yeonjun glances down at the phone in his hands only to see a mess of blurry color and sound.

“I’m serious,” he whines. “Soobin spent, like, a couple hours playing Clue with Kai last night. I couldn’t sleep.”

That sets off another round of laughter, and Yeonjun takes the respite to try and massage the ache out of his back. It doesn’t work.

“When’re you supposed to go on?” Taehyung-hyung asks, still gasping for breath. Yeonjun snaps out of his self-pity induced trance.

“Um, soon? They had to shuffle some things around when I...” he trails off, refocusing on the TV. “You know.”

There’s a general mutter of agreement, but Yeonjun barely listens because the announcer is calling _his _group up. He doesn’t realize he’s leaning forward on the bed until his back twinges hard enough to radiate pain up and through his shoulder, and he sits back with a hiss.

“You okay?” Jungkook-hyung asks. Yeonjun just nods, fixated on the screen.

“My boys.” He whispers. “Good luck.”

The stage itself is incredible. The intro is something out of a fairytale, and Yeonjun nearly cries when he sees it.

“Your Nap of a Star stages are amazing,” Namjoon-hyung says quietly. Yeonjun just hums in response. Their stages _are_ pretty cool. The lighting and suits only add to the effect.

He watches the whole stage with his heart in his chest. He can see where the holes in the choreography meant for him are- there, when his boys gesture towards nothing, and there, when there’s an aisle that nobody walks down. Yeonjun tenses when Beomgyu lifts Soobin.

“His legs are shaking.” Jimin-hyung remarks. Yeonjun doesn’t breath until Beomgyu sets Soobin down.

“The crowd was so loud.” Yeonjun murmurs happily when the stage is over. “And they did really, really well.”

He redirects his gaze towards his phone. His hyungs are grinning back at him.

“Cute.” Someone says, and Yeonjun flushes.

“You were humming along.” Jin-hyung adds. “Even to the rap parts.”

“Um. Thanks?” Yeonjun grins sheepishly. “I mean-how was it? What did you guys think of it?”

He regrets it as soon as the words leave his mouth. He doesn’t really want to hear their criticisms alone, with no else to buffer their words.

“It was great, as always.” Hoseok-hyung pushes to the front of their group. “I love the style of Crown’s choreography, and you guys synchronize it so well. Plus, Soobin's hair looked awesome tonight.”

Yeonjun giggles. “It’s a wig.”

Hoseok-hyung’s eyes widen. “What?”

“Everyone is wearing wigs tonight. We’re filming for our comeback, and the company wanted to keep it a surprise.” Yeonjun hesitates. “Or-we were. I’m not sure now.”

“It’ll all work out, Yeonjunnie.” Jin-hyung says. “You’ve all worked so hard. A little setback now won’t change that.”

Yeonjun nods. “I know that, hyung, but it’s... complicated. The company hasn’t even told us when we’re gonna start filming again, and they’re gonna pull us from the Lotte concert. It’s just-“ Yeonjun shrugs, tilting his head back as far as he can. “Really not working out right now.”

“Why are they pulling you from the concert?” Jin-hyung sounds worried. “They can perform without you. Not that they _should, _but it’s possible.”

Yeonjun’s stomach twists. He had known, as soon as he had mentioned the Lotte concert, that it would lead to more questions. And he knows that the answers to the questions aren’t particularly sensitive or personal, but thinking about why they’re being pulled makes him want to throw up.

“Yeonjunnie?”

“Like I said, it’s complicated.” Yeonjun sighs. “Soobin has had an eye infection for a couple weeks now. And it’s not getting any better because he keeps having to put in contacts and stuff. Beomgyu hit his ankle while we were on tour, and he’s still limping even though he’s cleared to dance. The company was gonna pull Soobin from tonight’s performances because he’s running a fever, but then I had to go and strain a muscle. Soobin needed the rest more than me, but here we are.”

There’s quiet on the other side of the phone. Yeonjun looks down hesitantly, expecting to be met with unsympathetic eyes.

“Yeonjunnie, I’m so sorry.”

Yeonjun blinks as Namjoon-hyung steps forward. “Why? I mean, it’s not your fault. We knew the risks of idol life when we auditioned.”

“No, it’s not our fault, and you did know what you were getting into,” Jin-hyung says, popping up next to Namjoon-hyung, “but it sucks. And it sucks that you’re all sick and injured during your first awards show. You worked really, _really _hard, Yeonjun. It’s okay to feel frustrated or upset that you can’t show people that while feeling good.”

The ball in Yeonjun’s chest grows, as does a prickling heat behind his eyes. He sniffs, trying desperately not to cry. It doesn’t work.

“Aww, Jinnie-hyung, you made the baby cry!”

Yeonjun manages a little laugh. “I’m not a baby, Jimin-hyung. Sorry, the week-month-has been really long.”

Suga-hyung snorts. “I bet it has. But save those tears for when they announce the rookie award, okay?”

Yeonjun nods, swiping at his face with his pajama sleeve. “It won’t be long, then. They’re supposed to announce it at nine.” A glance at the clock shows it to be three minutes past. Yeonjun feels anxiety swell in his stomach. “Oh god.”

“Hey, we’re rooting for you.” Taehyung-hyung says. “They’ll be fine.”

Yeonjun nods, but his stomach tightens even further when the MC starts to announce the nominees. A shot of his boys-they look nervous, Soobin’s leg bouncing in time with Yeonjun’s pounding heart. Yeonjun wants to leap through the TV and shake the announcer, make him go faster.

“And the Male New Artist is...”

Yeonjun leans forward. His back sends lightening bolts of pain across his body, but he pushes them aside.

“Congratulations to...”

“Hurry _up,_” Yeonjun hisses. He hears laughter from the phone lying forgotten in his lap.

“Tomorrow x Together!”

Yeonjun’s heart leaps into his throat. He’s watching his boys on the TV stand up to receive their award, but none of it feels real. The tears on Soobin’s face, the way Taehyun grips at Beomgyu, Huening Kai’s grin. None of it feels like the moment that belongs to _them. _

Soobin’s crying too hard to give the speech. Yeonjun apologizes endlessly in his head, because if he had been there, he could have done it. But Kai takes the microphone, and Yeonjun watches with tears in his eyes as their maknae delivers their first acceptance speech. He doesn’t let the tears fall, even when he hears BTS cheering on the phone. He’s determined not to cry, until Taehyun hands Beomgyu the mic and...

“Yeonjunnie-hyung, thank you.”

Yeonjun doubles over. The pain in his back doesn’t even register as he cries. His boys bow, and the show cuts to commercial, and he’s hunched over the phone, sobbing.

“Yeonjun!”

He straightens, his backs screaming in protest. His hyungs are calling for him, concerned.

“Sorry...I’m sorry.” He sniffs. “I just...” Yeonjun dissolves into tears again.

“It’s okay,” someone says. “We’re so proud. You did it!”

Yeonjun heaves in a breath, furiously wiping at the tears on his face.

“I _told _them not to mention me.” He says in a watery voice. “God, I’m so proud of them.”

“You should be.” Jin-hyung says. He’s smiling.

“I should-I should call them.” Yeonjun manages. “Tell them congratulations, tell Kai his speech was good.”

“Go ahead.” Namjoon-hyung says. “We’ll call too, a little later. Good work, kid.”

“Thanks. And thanks for watching with me.”

Namjoon-hyung reaches out one finger and ends the call. Yeonjun sits in the silent darkness for a moment, collecting himself before tapping Kai’s contact number. The maknae picks up instantly.

“_Hyung! Did you see us? Did you see my speech? I did a good job right?”_

Yeonjun laughs. “I saw everything, Kai-Kai. Wanna put me on speaker?”

Huening Kai does, and suddenly all the members are talking into the speaker at once.

“Hold on, hold on!” He shouts over the noise. “First off, how’s Beomgyu’s ankle?”

There’s some shuffling as Beomgyu comes to the phone.

_“It’s okay! A little sore, but nothing I can’t handle.”_

“And Soobin? How’s he doing?”

“_I’m fine!_” Soobin whines. There’s an immediate protest.

“_He almost passed out after our stage. But one of the managers made him drink some water and medicine and eat, and now he’s okay_.”

Yeonjun lets out a breath. “Okay. Good.”

Kai, the impatient little thing he is, starts talking again.

“_Hyung, was my speech good?_”

Yeonjun sighs exaggeratedly. “Yes, Kai. You did a wonderful job.” He drops the joking tone. “You really did great. I’m so proud of you all.”

“_Hyung._” Out of all of them, Beomgyu sounds the most wrecked. “_Hyung, I’m sorry, I know you said not to mention you, but it- it wasn’t fair, and you’re so important, I couldn’t just-just leave you out._”

Yeonjun coos. “Gyu, you’re sweet. I’m not mad, alright? It was very nice of you.”

There’s shouting in the background, and then Kai is back.

“_Hyung, we gotta go back. See you in the morning, okay? Don’t do anything to your back_.”

“Okay. I’ll see you in the morning. I won’t do anything to my back if you make Beomgyu take it easy on his ankle.”

He doesn’t get a response before Huening Kai hangs up. It’s still quiet in the dorms, but it’s late, and the painkillers are still making him drowsy. Beomgyu’s words echo in his head.

_“You’re so important.”_

Yeonjun reaches for his phone one last time. He records a short message and manages to post it just before falling asleep. His back doesn’t hurt when he’s lying down like this, and the warm glow of their win carries him to sleep easily.

——————————————

_ Voice message sent at 09:33. _

_“Aww you’re crying. Don’t cry.”_

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again lovely people! I have been absolutely blown away by all your support. Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to offer suggestions. I may or may not write them, based on how they fit in the story, but I love hearing your opinions! Also, congratulations to our boys! I hope they get some rest while we wait for their comeback and I'm super excited to see what they do next.
> 
> Leave a comment and/or a kudos if you like!
> 
> Title from Nap of A Star
> 
> -Milo


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